The Moment I Knew I Fell Out Of Love

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He was everything I could have ever wanted in life. He was funny and smart and he made me laugh hysterically. Everything he said to me was filled with sentiment and value. He loved me. He loved me with every ‘fiber of his being’ or ‘with every string of his heart’. He was the only thing that was important to me.

Then, I went away to school. We still maintained our relationship. I loved him and knew nothing outside of our relationship. I guess you could say that I was naive to the outside world and the amount of men in it that were willing to walk into my life and teach me something about myself.

It was his idea to take a break. He’d still call every day and tell me he loved me, but it was primarily centered around us saying “I love you” and him showering other girls in the attention he could have been giving to me. I got fed up and I decided that I was going to begin my experimentation with dating and see where it took me.

I went on probably 15 first dates and two second dates in a period of three months. I was feeling a little hopeless in the dating world. Most of the decisions to only have a first date were mine as I tried to maturely realize that those particular men didn’t fit the lifestyle I was attempting to lead.

And then I met him. He was funny, charismatic, he drank wine instead of beer and listened to jazz music in the middle of a party of college people and didn’t care what everyone else had to say about it. He had that perfect smile where his cheeks dimpled and his eyes had a certain deepness, sadness perhaps even, that were hypnotizing. He asked me to dance in the middle of a room of people. We danced slow. He kept the beat and he could tell my heart was racing, but he slowed me down and dipped me. He told me I was beautiful, not sexy or hot. He could sing and he sang to himself while we danced in the middle of the room of people.

After our little dance, we sat and talked. He talked to me about education and literature, about my aspirations in life and about philosophy. He asked me challenging questions and forced me to contemplate answers I would not have originally accepted.

He was everything my “ex” lover was not– he was something new and invigorating. I wanted him. We began to spend time together. I’d sleep over at his house and he’d beg me to come back to bed, he’d cook for me and make me breakfast, spend hours singing to me, and gave me the best back massages of all time. However, that was not what I liked about him. I liked that he had more to offer me than just a good laugh, he offered a sense of security and caused me to think about my actions. I wanted to be a better woman for him because he deserved better than me (in my personal opinion).

Honestly, spending time with this man made me realize that my love for my past lover was not fraud, but that it was clouded by time and distrust. I think that it is important to realize when something is coming to an end and when it is time to say goodbye. However, goodbyes are hard and it’s difficult to let go. This man made me realize that it’s time to say goodbye and start new for myself. It was a conclusions that I didn’t want to come to and that I constantly rejected, but sometimes someone walks in your life and makes you realize how clouded and foggy my judgement had been.

Our sassy mama from the bay! Nothing pleases her more than spending the day sarcastically pulling people's strings and getting things done. Twenty-one. Single. Loving it. Because who needs a man anyways?